Tuesday, January 7, 2014

I am not one of the Cool Kids.

After looking back on 2013 (and 2012, and even 2011), I think it's safe to just make peace with the fact that I am not an easy sell.

It was a rough year, personally, and that judgment doesn't include any elements from the insane year previous when a) my crazy move was initiated and b) I almost died again (so lame) and c) Family Problems occurred.  It doesn't include 2011, which was another mega-hit that also included both some of the aforementioned Family Problems--now that I think about it, strangely enough, every year contains some Family Problems--while wrapping up grad school, taking a national board exam on which my entire career relied, and living somewhere I hated with no end in sight (this culminated, of course, with 2013, The Year of Moving).

My primary distraction from actual life these last couple years--as much as was possible to indulge it--was writing and publishing my books.  And looking back on them, I'm definitely proud of that accomplishment.  I feel good about several parts of several of my books, which time has shown is as happy as I can be with anything I've made.  But... I don't know.  It's a bit lonely out there in the world.

<Whine>: I'm kind of tired of reaching out to other writers at the moment, with some very poignant and important exceptions (hi guys!).  I understand the resistance to connect; I'm not suited right, I don't care about the things I probably should in order to be Successful, I'm weird.  This is all true in real life, of course, but that hasn't stopped me from being able to connect with people.  At all.  It usually ensures it--I'm not intimidating in any way, shape or form, and chances are good I will like you.  Whoever you are.  I get along.  Yanno.

But the world of indie romance writers... Or is it indie writers?  Or is it MC romance writers, or indie MC romance writers or romance or... Fuck it.  I don't know.  Whatever the club is, I haven't been invited.

All this to say that I am officially taking a break from a couple things as of right now:

  •  writing romance novels for a while.  It is a fun, beautiful genre, and I want to continue exploring the feminist possibilities within it but... Not right now.  
  • participating in online forums of any kind.  I don't do a lot of that, but as of right now I'm pau.
  • commenting (doesn't mean I'm not reading!  I am, just in the odd burst here and there instead of regularly)
  • blogging regularly
  • and trying regularly.  Over it.
There are some amazing people I met online in 2013/2012 that I definitely want to stay in touch with, but yeah... If this was high school, and my tentative attempts to meet people felt this generally stone cold in return, things would have sucked hard.  So fuck it.  2014 is a new year, and I'm going to try and live most of it offline and surrounded by the interesting, positive people already present in my life.

</whine>

So.  2014.  I will be writing about whatever whenever and publishing some of it this year.  Got some house-cleaning to do.

And also, I want to chill.  Seriously, deeply, devotedly chill.  Even though I am apparently not palatable as a marketing asset to other writers (and who knows why, because I am like, amazing at marketing myself) (jk) (/sarcasm) and I have a massive fan base that will be sorely disappointed (I'm truly sorry to the three russians who read this blog, truly, truly sorry), I think things will largely continue as status quo.

Okay.... Except not at all.  Because of that last bit, about wanting to chill: a new status quo of chilling out will be in effect, instead of stressing the fuck out all the time about everything ever.  I love you, Internet, and I am still a rabid fan of all the writers who are cooler than me, but considering your contributions to the latter, I will be chilling without you.  For at least a little while.

It's good to understand who you are and where you stand in the scheme of things, even if it stings a little to learn who/where that is.  Humility doesn't feel good in the short term.  I'm hoping I have more to be proud of at the end of 2014 and fewer memories of feeling like crap.  Somehow, I suspect the correlation between the two to be statistically significant.

I hope everyone out there has a completely amazing year, full of dangerously sexy adventures and powerful revelations and whimsical bursts of empowerment.  Here's to us!  We can totally do this.

Good luck.